Infomercials gone mad
by Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory
Summary: Bunch of infomercial insanity. Sojiro and Saito are trying to sell viagra, Aoshi's selling a "flavor pill", and Kenshin is starting his "Adopt a Jelly Bean Foundation."


#One dark summer night, with the full moon unable to shine through the window because people in California like Mini blinds…a lot, two evil authors who formed the entity of one actually, sat crouched in front of the, ruined by the lights, glow of the computer screen and wrote this disclaimer just for you, fulfilling the promise to always have memorable and pointless jibberish before each and every other 15 paragraphs of more jibberish, but with people you know. One sighed in sadness at yet again having to write " I don't own Jack-shit!" for the millionth time because the readers are biased pigs who will acclaim your fics one day and then sue your ass off the next if you don't have some already known words written before your obvious nervous breakdown out of reality. Now you have a disclaimer.

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Sojiro: Hi ya! I'm Sojiro Seta and this infomercial isn't one out of the ordinary, no sirry! You've heard of Viagra, and how that's supposed to REALLY get you into the 'swing of things'? Well, what I've got here is even better! It's a small lil' pill sold by In My Pants Co. Now, you may be wondering why a young guy like me is selling a pill for an old guy. Well, I'm just the cute lil' critter that's supposed to make all the housewives go 'Awww' and then go out and buy this stuff for their husbands! Now you will meet someone who actually uses it!

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Saito: Excuse me, I thought I was supposed to be here for that Nicotine pill infomercial.

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Sojiro: Well, not exactly… but your selling a pill, though!

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Saito: Shouldn't you have Hiko sell this stuff? He's older than me, ya know.

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Sojiro: Yah, but he really doesn't need it, if ya know what I mean.

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Saito: I'm not selling a birth control pill!

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Sojiro: Um… it's not one. It's a horny pill… you know… to make you… capable?

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Hiko: *runs on stage* I heard my name, and I heard the word horny. Is there a damsel in need of my… assistance?

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Sojiro: Could you help us sell this pill?

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Hiko: Oh… sure. Buy this pill cuz Hiko says so! If ya don't, I'll sick my apprentice on ya and make him give you a lap dance!

*phones ringing off hooks with people now wanting to buy product*

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Aoshi: Ya, I'm here to do my info-mercial now. Leave.

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Sojiro: But we're here selling our horny pill! What could you have that would be more important than that?

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Aoshi: I'm here to sell the 'Flavor Pill'.

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Saito: The hell?

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Aoshi: Well… uh, I feel kinda awkward telling you how the pill works on T.V. 

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Sojiro: But… Aoshi?

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Aoshi: hmmm?

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Sojiro: This is an infomercial. You know, you give the " info" so start spilling. What's it do, flavor your drink?

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Aoshi: you could say that.

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Saito: You're wasting time! Now tell us what is before I aku soku zan your ass to Tijuana!

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Aoshi: Well, I suppose it would relate to you so… *commercial guy voice* Hey all of you guys out there! Do you ever want a good BJ but your girl just ain't in the mood because she says it tastes disgusting-

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Sojiro: Oh God, I can see where this is going *starts running away* I will remain pure I will remain Pure!!!!!!!

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Saito: Shut up! I want to hear what he has to say.

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Hiko: You would too. As for me, females don't mind any taste so long as they can get it from me.

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Aoshi: Ahem! ….Because it tastes disgusting and then your buds start making fun of you because the dumb broad first decided to spit instead of swallow and then to make things even worse, she tells Susy, Who tells Bobby who tells, Trevor, who tells Thorndyke, who tells-

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Saito: Enough with the names!

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Aoshi: *glares* Anyway, everyone knows and you're a disgrace and wouldn't it be easier if you didn't have to fight her? What if you could have avoided the whole situation completely. What if you had a girl who actually wanted to do it for you. Imagine it, a girl who likes sucking cock!

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Saito: I'd say you got yourself a genuine whore!

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Hiko: I'd say you got my apprentice's little girlfriend.

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Saito: The Kamiya guy?

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Hiko: Whoa! She's a he?!!!

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Saito: I would have thought it would be obvious to a man so great as you.

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Hiko: *mumbling* fricker fracker….Oh yah, well my pee pee's bigger than yours!

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Saito: Is not!

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Hiko: Is to!

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Saito: Is-

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Hiko: For the love of God, they chose you for a Viagra commercial, you're a needle dick now shut up and live your worthless life…away from me.

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Aoshi: *turns back to camera and blinks* Um.. Please excuse that interruptiona dn that remember that Hiko is the man!

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Hiko: Damn Straight!

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Aoshi: But he's the little man compared to me.

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Hiko: Why you little! *lunges at Aoshi*

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Aoshi: EEEEk! *presses button* Security! Security! *a bunch of those wimpy mall security guards rush in, look at Hiko and rush out*

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Kenshin: Um… excuse me? It's 2:00 and time for my infomercial running.

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Sojiro: *from doughnut room* BUT I STILL NEED TO FINISH MINE!

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Saito: Then stop hiding like a friggin baby and get out here, dammit!

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Sojiro: But Aoshi's saying dirty things!

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Aoshi: For the love of Patuties! You sold Viagra!

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Sojiro: No I didn't! it was a horny pill, thank you very much!

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Kenshin: *to camera* Hello, I am Kenshin Himura and I am here to tell you about my 'Adopt a Jelly Bean' foundation. At the orphanage, we have many jelly beans without homes, due to the fact that their parents have gone mad and have attempted to eat the poor lil critters. 

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Hiko: Hey, Aoshi, does your pill come in a sake flavor?

Aoshi: Your girl likes sake too…oh. *turns the many shades of red then figures what the hell and moves on to purple*

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Kenshin: *sweat drop* Folks, you didn't hear that! *to Hiko and Aoshi* Dammit, you're going to disturb the children! *takes jelly beans out of pocket* There there children it's ok, nothings going to happen everything's all right- ahhh! *hiko grabs jelly beans and eats them then spits them out* 

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Hiko: Aww crap those were nasty! God, where'd you get those things? Off of the floor?

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Kenshin: You monster!!! I collected those few precious survivors from all the dark nooks and crannies of the earth and tried to find a better home for them and then you-

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Hiko: Talkie talkie talkie. That's all you ever do. It doesn't matter which end, there's always air coming out.

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Kenshin: *turns really red and starts crying* 

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Aoshi: Hiko you made him cry. What should we do?

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Hiko: He should toughen up and not be such a woman. Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!

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Aoshi: *seeing as Hiko's suddenly become everyone's role model* Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!

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Saito: Yah, Vagina! Vagina! Va… *Hiko and Aoshi turn to stare at him* never mind

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Kenshin: *starts bawling and runs away*

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Sojiro: *walking in* Ok, I think I can work with this and get the infomercial done.

Hiko, Saito and Aoshi: Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!

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Sojiro: No!!! You will not take my purity from me!!!! *runs far away still screaming*

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Saito: Wow, now that he's gone, I guess there's no need for me to be here. *leaves* and the correct term would be Vagina!

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Hiko: Yah, you'd know since you have one!!!!

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Aoshi: Well, I guess I'll finish my infomercial and go home too.

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Hiko: Make a sake flavor and I'll buy the whole company.

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Aoshi: Ok.

And with that, they went off to check out flavor pills and the like. The end! 


End file.
